Fathers have it easy
… until they don’t.
I’ve often said that fathers have it easy. After all, once a woman’s pregnant, the father doesn’t have much else to do. Sure, there may be other kids, and the father’s probably needed in bringing them up. But it’s not like the mother will just sit around for nine months until the one still in the oven comes out. Nope: mothers will be mothers, and all but the worst of them (who can only be charitably called “mothers” in the first place—maybe baby factories, instead?) will keep on being mothers until they literally can’t be one.
But, as with many things, a great deal about fatherhood is left out, talked about in whispers—in snatches—if they’re talked about at all. Not because it’s shameful, or inherently wrong. I think it’s mostly because, among fathers who do it, it’s taken for granted as part of the job. And among fathers who don’t—mostly those with the title only because of their biological ability to sire offspring—it’s not worth talking about.
I am referring, of course, to enforcing discipline.
Now, I’m a Filipino: born and raised as one, and I’ll never shake that, no matter how hard I try (not that I’d want to). Family members, friends and most acquaintances know that I’m a little bit of a hellraiser: never does what I’m supposed to, talks back to my elders, gets into fights over little to no reason. As you can probably imagine, trying to bring me up was a hell of a challenge.
Growing up, I went through being:
- sent to my room without food, and without permission to turn on the lights or the fan;
- spanked (hand, slipper, peach switches, fly swatters, two or so different types of rods);
- lashed with a (thick!) leather belt with a bronze (I think) buckle (which I now own and wear whenever I can)—usually, I get lashed with the belt itself, but I’ve occassionally managed to do something that warranted the buckle itself;
- made to kneel on rock salt and mung beans with both my arms outstretched, with maybe a couple of (thick!) books on top of each hand, with my father waiting to lash me with aforementioned belt, if I drop my hands a couple of centimeters
I resented it, of course—who the hell wouldn’t? But I lived through it—and turned out pretty okay, especially considering what I was shaping up to be. I’m still a liable to get into trouble, of course, and my head’s probably harder than it was when I was a kid. But, now that I’m a bit more mature and have had time to think about it, without my father’s tough love, I’d probably be locked up right now. For that, if nothing else, I’m grateful to my father.
But now it’s my turn. And, believe you me, I never thought I’d admit to myself that what my father kept saying’s true: It does hurt a father more, if he decides to not spare the rod.
My first-born’s a little over three years old, going on four. People who watched me grow up tell me that he’s a lot like me at that age. I don’t believe them.
I think he’s worse than I ever was. He’s also smarter than I was at that age, so maybe there’s a connection.
And I thought I was a hellraiser. My son raises hell, then kills it, so he can raise it back up. He drives me nuts whenever he wants to. He’s a good kid, to be sure—but, damn it if that boy’s going to cause me to lose what’s left of my hair in the next five years or so.
But I’m Asian, and a Filipino to boot. I suck it up, try to do my job as a father.
Except it hurts. Hurts a lot. I know that everytime I give him even just a stern talking-to, I drive him further away from me. I’ve come to realize that, as a father, part of my job is to absorb most of the hate sons will naturally direct towards authority figures. I, the father, have to do it. I can’t let his mother do it, because fathers are expendable, for the most part. Even if I die tomorrow, I know that my family will have much more of a fighting chance than it would otherwise have, should I be the one that’s going to have to take care of it.
Of course, I’m going to try and make it up to him. I’m Robin while he’s Batman when we’re playing LEGO Batman on the Wii. I download shows that he likes, play to-the-death tickle matches whenever (or almost) he wants to. I hold his hand when he’s suddenly afraid of something irrational. I’m teaching him how to drive a car (he can only steer for now), lend him my helmet and let him put it on me when I leave for work.
But it’s never going to be enough.
Truth be told, I’m kind of jealous of what he and his mother have. That’s something I can never really be part of. Well, sure, in a Venn diagram sort of way, I can be a part of it, but I can never really experience the bond he and his mother share. That’s a bond that can only develop with the one whose womb you developed in for nine months. And I can’t really tell him that I have this longing to have that kind of a connection with him, not even when he’s old enough to understand it, simply because I’m his father.
Fathers are supposed to be tough, inscrutable, dependable. We can’t be seen as weak, or soft—even when we totally are.
My blog likely won’t survive (at the very least, not in its current form) until he’s old enough to fully understand any of my posts. And in any case, at the moment, at least, I’m not too inclined to have him read any of them, even if he were capable of grasping nuances—don’t want him thinking of me as anything less than the iron fist that rules his life until he’s mature enough to make decisions for himself.
But if my blog (or this entry) does survive somehow, and he manages to read this (hopefully, by then, I’d have long since been dead), I hope he realizes that I only did what I knew and have seen for myself to be right. That, even though I was usually stern and seemingly cold from time-to-time, it’s only because that’s what I thought he needed me to be. That, through it all, my one constant thought was that I want him to grow up to be an upstanding citizen, and the best he can be.
You’ll probably go through your teenage years hating my guts and thinking I don’t care for you at all. You’ll do stupid things and manage to get into imbecilic situations. But while you’ll do shit that’ll disappoint me, nothing you ever do will make not want to be your father.
Cliché though it may be, you are my greatest creation.
I love you, son; though I may not say it often enough.